Ok, it's fair to say I've dropped the ball a bit in regard to 'Underbelly Watch', but my main recollections of Episode 5: 'A Tale of Two Dickheads' , (ok, I renamed it that) are as follows. Brian Kane comes back to town, (although he should have stayed mainly on the plain), to avenge his brother's shagpile destroying murder at the hands of Ray Chuck and his two henchmen. He's a bit concerned that Ray Chuck might hurt his family, because he initially threatened Ray's family, which caused Ray to murder his brother. Brian now sees that the families might have been better left out of it.
So Brian's looking for someone to waste Ray Chuck, and finally offers the job to an enthusiastic, naked, Chris Flannery, who takes the call while doing breast examinations on two young girls, so they're left to finish the breast examinations on each other, but they don't seem to mind. Chris flannery sounds exactly like Elmer Fudd, and the guy who plays Chopper Read sounds exactly like comedian Heath Franklin playing Chopper Read.
Brian Kane really wants the hitman who topped Donald Mackay to kill Ray Chuck, but he can't do it, because he's got that chronic hitman's complaint, 'A sore shoulder'. Disgusted, Brian realises if you want a job done right, you have to do it yourself, and dresses up like Rolf Harris to kill Ray Chuck in the courthouse. Brian later gets killed, but they don't bother to show that, so there's no 'closure' as far as I'm concerned.
In Episode 6, which I've renamed 'Nicked', Allison's ex, Rob, gets nicked and sings like a bird. Terry takes him out to whack him, but then only ends up whacking him, literally, with a cricket bat. Terry checks his friends Doug and Izzy in to rehab, then checks them out to party with him in Queensland while he 'lies low', which means doing heaps of drugs while the girls get their boobs out. Terry gets nicked as a result of signing into the hotel as 'Joh Peterson'. He should have signed in with a stutter if he wanted to pass himself off as Joh.
Terry ends up getting extradited to New Zealand, where he's defended by a hot lawyer in a trenchcoat. You can see where this is going, can't you? Junkies Doug and Izzy also sing like birds about Terry, and when Terry hears Doug saying he's a mediocre painter on tape, he gets really pissed. Terry tricks Mr and Mrs Junkie into doing 'one more job' for him, and they unknowingly rock around to the hitman's motel, (fortunately for Terry, his shoulder's better now), where they also get whacked. The hitman takes them out to the bush, but now his shoulder's really playing up - so he doesn't really bury them properly. He really needs to retire.
Allison's now starting to wonder if Terry's really that nice a guy. Because previously, apart from the drug running, and the murdering, and the bad painting, and the infidelity, she thought he was really quite nice.
While messing around on the net to thoroughly research this journalistic masterpiece, I stumbled upon a blogger who, just like me, enjoys taking the piss out of Underbelly. In fact, Darzelle Wixton-Smythe, aka Jo Jo Blogs, aka Jo Thornely, does such an awesome job of covering the events as they unfold, I might even leave it to her from now on. So if you want to get even more belly laughs than watching the real Underbelly, you can check out her blog, Jo Jo Blogs, here:
