Last night / this morning / yesterday... oh I don't know when it was, I've totally lost touch with reality since getting on this plane... I left for a quickish trip to Glasgow and Edinburgh to catch up with family and friends, and of course, to do a few bits and pieces at the Edinburgh Fringe.
Having one thousand kids, (ok, 4),I assumed that at least one of them would want to come to the airport to see me off. Not so much. Me "Do you want to come for a drive to the airport to see me off today?" Kid "What time are you going?". Me "6.00 o'clock". Kid "The Simpsons are on at 6.00 o'clock, Mum". Fair enough.
I'm flying British Airways - the V-Line of the sky. Or so I thought. Turns out, I'm flying 'Qantas FOR British Airways', Qantas apparently being the 'plain brand' version of the more expensively packaged British Airways. What the hell, Qantas? You can't just go around passing yourself off as British Airways like that. You don't see 'Target FOR Chanel', do you?
You wouldn't just expect people to pay to see Kylie Minogue, then say "Oh sorry, Kylie's got something else on. But here's Danii Minogue. Have a few vodkas and you won't know the difference." Not good enough, British Airways. As for you, Qantas - you are such a try hard!
I must say firstly how dismayed I am at the political correctness gone mad in the airline industry these days. A number of the male flight attendants on my flight were unattractive, and appeared also to be quite straight.
I'm sorry - this is just not right! My expectation, when I buy an airline ticket, is that the male flight attendants should be pretty, and gay in both manner and sexual orientation. I imagine it's different for guys. They most likely prefer their flight attendants look like Malibu Barbie, but with an accent. But for my money, I like to be served by gay guys. A gay guy just really knows how to look after a lady.
You might be surprised to hear I am flying economy class. The great thing about flying economy is that there's just so much room. For your overhead luggage, that is. Oh yeah. It's sprawled out up there ike the Samsonite mate of the month, while the economy passengers are folded tightly into tiny compartments. I guess this is why the guy next to me keeps putting his hand on my lap. There's just no room for it anywhere else!
This is not the case in First or Business class, however. Or 'Premium Economy', which appears to be a bit shit, but not as shit as regular Economy. They all have more leg room than the average Chinese family, (China, coincidentally, being the country I'm currently flying over).
You could get up to all sorts of things in First and Business class. You could do yoga. Or try out all of the positions in the Kama Sutra if you're on a really long haul flight. If I ever get to fly first class, I will not have sprawled out sex in my seat, however. Out of respect for my comrades in economy class. You have to remember your roots.
Flying amuses me. I love the way the Flight Attendants do their little safety dance at the beginning of each flight. How much must the absolutely be sick and tired of it? The constant repetition must have a similar effect on them as Christmas music does on department store staff - particularly when it's sung by Wham! I'd love to see someone sneak a little Wiggles move in there one day - 'Hot Potatoe, Hot Potatoe' perhaps. It would be one way to check if anyone really is paying attention.
Still, they manage to smile and laugh their way through it. I wonder if they'd still giggle their way through it while doing the routine as the plane is ripping in two, plummeting into the ocean from 32,000 feet? I imagine they would. They are professionals.
I also like the way you get 'second breakfast' if you have a stopover early in the morning. It's so MIddle Earth. Although, it would be a bit of a stretch to describe what they serve you as 'food'. I'd describe it as more of a 'food like substance'. It's food, Jim, but not as we know it! For example, there's scrambled eggs, but it's different to the scrambled eggs we have at home. We make ours with eggs.
(Believe it or not, there is a Part 2 to this. What? More? Yes. But as I'm currently jetlagged to the max, I'll finish it tomorrow. Laters!)
