A long time ago, in my former professional life, (when I was relatively normal and had not quite mutated into a comedian), I used to look after this guy who, let's face it, was a little bit mental. Don't get all arsey with me about my diagnosis - as a trained mental health professional I can make that call.
In most aspects of his life, he functioned at quite a high level, but he was continuously tortured by the frequent compulsion to say "And tap fittings". Out of nowhere, while you were in the midst of having quite a good conversation with him, he'd vague out, look away, and say "And tap fittings". And tap fittings, and tap fittings, and tap fittings.
He was all about the tap fittings, this guy, (and tap fittings). He was unable to prevent himself from saying "And tap fittings', no matter what. No matter what medication or treatment he tried, his tap fitting click was amazingly resistant. Maybe it was some kind of super power, but no-one could identify it as such, the medical and psychiatric communities typically unable to understand such a powerful, but seemingly useless, super power. (And tap fittings). Possibly, the phrase "And tap fittings" unleashed some fantstic force, or was the gateway to a parallel dimension, but he was ahead of his time, and diagnosed with a mental illness, as so many super heroes are.
Anyway, he was a lovely guy, who had other interests than just tap fittings. He was also into bonsai. But amazingly, he did not have much luck with the ladies. (And tap fittings). I guess it's probably hard to find a lady who's into such specific interests as tap fittings and tiny trees, but there's probably a website somewhere. Also, it has to be said, it would be a little off-putting being in the midst of passionate shagging with a guy who could go from "Oh baby... oh baby... that's right baby... oh baby oh baby OH BABY..." to the dull, monotones of "And tap fittings" in a matter of seconds. If I were his girlfriend, which I certainly would not have been, due to professional ethics and an aversion to bonsai, I would have countered this dilemma by saying, seductively, "Show me your tap fittings, baby. Give me ALL your tap fittings". That might have worked, but I did not put it in his care plan. Psychiatric care at that time was not that holistic. Like "Super And Tap Fittings Guy", I was ahead of my time.
Out of every person I ever looked after, (and tap fittings), 'And Tap Fittings Guy' was one of my favourites, and has stuck with me. Probably because the phrase 'and tap fittings' comes to me at the most ridiculous times, (have you noticed?), and makes me laugh. Can you catch a compulsion? I can't say. (And tap fittings). But I'll never forget this guy, and his bonsai, and his teeny, tiny trees. Probably because he used his super powers to infect me with the 'And tap fittings' bug, and now I occasionally think it at the most inappropriate of times myself. But I don't SAY it. That would be crazy! (And tap fittings).
I'm pretty sure 'And Tap Fittings' guy has passed away, so I'm not too concerned about identifying him. Even if he were alive, he would obviously be more concerned with tap fittings than my identification of him in a blog. I hope he's gone somewhere nice. Maybe a bloody big plumbing showroom, full of taps. And tap fittings, of course.
The end.
And tap fittings.
