It's weird running into people you used to go to school with. It can even be weird running into the parents of people you used to go to school with. I bumped into the parents of a boy I used to go to primary school with recently, and had the most surreal chat with his mother. After we'd talked a bit about what I'd been up to, I asked her what her son was doing with himself. "Oh, he's good. Really good. Isn't he Stan?". Stan doesn't bother replying, knowing it's not really expected. "No, he's not married yet. Just hasn't really met the right girl yet, has he Stan? Actually, David's never really had a girlfriend. Plenty of time for that, though. No hurry." He's 'never really had a girlfriend'. At 42. Okey doke, then... "He is lucky he has lots of mates though. He has a very nice friend, Steven, who lives with him, and he's lovely, isn't he Stan? Steven spoils him, actually, he does nearly all the cooking and cleaning, which is good for David, just until he gets a girlfriend, because he's hopeless!" Uh-huh. "Steven and David do everything together, they do a lot of travelling, and go to a lot of shows together. They just went up to Melbourne to see Billy Elliot the other week, didn't they, Stan?".
Let me be honest right now and acknowledge that I have the world's worst 'gaydar'. I really do. If I'm not told directly, I pretty much think lesbians are just straight women who like wearing their hair really short. I can't pick if you're from the land of gay, or not. And it doesn't matter at all to me, because I just love everyone. Regardless. But at this point in our conversation, I'm getting a little bit frustrated. I'm a peaceful person by nature, but I just had this incredible urge to grab this woman by the shoulders, and shake her really, really, hard, while shouting "HE'S GAY!! DAVID IS GAY!! STEVEN IS HIS PARTNER!! WHY CAN'T YOU JUST ACCEPT THIS, YOU STUPID, STUPID WOMAN!! BILLY ELLIOT, FOR FUCK'S SAKE!!". Annoying! She should be celebrating her son's gayness! Does she not know that it's hip to be gay right now? I wish to god that I were gay. It would have really given my comedy an edge. But no. My parents didn't see fit to pass on any gayness to me, did they? They gave all the gay to my brother and sister, leaving me with only straight, white, and bloody fertile! Can you get any more pedestrian than that? Favouritism! Anyway. Gay David's mum just goes on smiling inanely at me. So I told her to give David my love, (not that he'd want it, because he's gay and all...), and said goodbye.
The only thing weirder than running into people you used to go to school with, (and their actively delusional parents), is The High School Reunion. No-one from my high school year could be bothered organising a reunion for years. Obviously, the reason for this is that everyone is 'just waiting until they lose 5 kilos' until they feel they can go. Eventually, though, a few of the girls organised a reunion of our 30 year anniversary of starting high school,(30 years, you say? Wouldn't that make you..? Shut up, please. Obviously I started school very early. Don't do the math.), and thankfully, I knew I could attend, because I had bumped into a few of the girls and knew that there were quite a few with bigger asses than mine. And one had a moustache.
I'm quite well behaved in social situations on the whole. But I was worried about the moustache, and became quite pre-occupied with developing strategies that might help me get through some polite reminiscing with Moustache Girl. I have to say, it at least distracted me from worrying about the size of my ass! Mostly, I was worried about obviously looking at the moustache, instead of the girl, in some Austen Powers like trance, (if you have not seen the 'mole' scene in 'Goldmember', you are beyond help. Rent it immediately.). I became anxious that I might refer to all things moustache while catching up. "So, are you still married to Moe? How are the little tashes? Do you still live up Moustache creek way?"
I developed a list of strategies, and a mantra, that I could use to keep myself out of trouble. I MUST NOT: A. Look at, or speak to moustache as if it were an individual or entity in it's own right, B. Refer to Moustache Girl as Derryn Hinch, C. Mention pedophiles around Derryn Hinch, and D. SEE C! DO NOT REFER TO MOUSTACHE GIRL AS DERRYN HINCH!
By the day of the reunion, I knew I had to stop being ridiculous about it. I resolved to try and see Moustache Girl as the 14 year old girl I used to know, instead of seeing her as the construction worker out of The Village People. After all, it's only a bit of facial hair. It should not matter. It's a trivial thing. "Trivial Hirsuit!" I thought to myself, realising I might be in big trouble, as my mind was now on a roll with the seemingly endless moustache gags that I apparently had no control over.
The day arrived, and I was surprisingly well behaved, only describing the time we nearly got caught by the headmaster for leaving the school grounds as 'a close shave' once. It was getting late, and I was relieved. I was definately on the home straight. I could definately pull this off. Then, as it often does, the talk amongst the girls turned to all things beauty and ageing. And hair removal. And waxing. And this very nearly brought me unstuck. Because it was at this point, that Moustache Girl announced that she 'regularly has brazilians'. That's right. She regularly leaves Tasmania for Brazil. She frequently engages in deforestation of her pubic region. "Oh yeah", she says "I JUST CAN"T STAND HAVING ANY HAIR DOWN THERE."
Oh. My. God. I was just beyond myself. My jaw dropped. My mouth was shout, but my inner voice was screaming "You can't stand having any hair DOWN THERE? But you refuse to wax that caterpillar on your upper lip? YOU LOOK LIKE A MAN! YOU HAVE A MOUSTACHE! YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO HAVE HAIR DOWN THERE! AND NOT 'UP HERE"! ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS? HONEY, YOU WOULD LOOK MORE LIKE A REAL WOMAN IF YOU STRIPPED NAKED AND STOOD ON YOUR HEAD! AT LEAST THEN YOU'D HAVE HAIR ON THE BOTTOM HALF, AND NOT THE TOP!"
I was seriously one bourbon and coke away from saying that. But I didn't. Thank god. I just said "Well you look fantastic!". And went home, completely exhausted from behaving appropriately.
(Please note, names have been changed to protect the gay and hirsuit).
Too good, too funny, and further confirmation that I would not dare to attend such an event. Not that I have issues like moustache girl, or share the same lifestyle as gay David, ‘not there’s anything wrong with that’, but there’d always be that feeling of ‘well, I’m not rich enough’; and you can forget about ‘hasn’t he aged well’, last time I aged well was just before I started high school.
Does anyone ever really misbehave at these things? While it is nice that you acted with decorum, perhaps it would have been more entertaining if you’d shouted that last paragraph at the hirsute one, especially the bit about standing on her head.
Posted by: gigdiary | June 28, 2009 at 01:14 AM
Good read oh straight one..... Ha Ha Ha
Posted by: Elena | June 28, 2009 at 03:35 AM
This was a great read ..... the internal dialogue was so believable and very very funny.
Nice Work
Posted by: Rob Brown | June 28, 2009 at 05:26 AM
So funny!
Posted by: Amy Sheaves | June 28, 2009 at 05:12 PM
Hilarious, Cath. THIS is why I avoid reunions. Eveyone else seems to wear better than I have.I keep thinking I must have gone to the wrong reunion. Not good for one's self esteem !
Posted by: fender4eva | June 29, 2009 at 03:55 PM
Reunions are interesting things, aren't they? Especially in the case of my fellow classmates: I went to an all-girls, catholic, boarding school. Nothing really untoward ever happened while we were at school, so, naturally, when we left the confines of the 18 foot catholic fence, it's safe to say that we all went a bit feral. So in my case, reunions are a great way to find out who's on drugs, who's in rehab, who's in jail and who's had all their kids to all different fathers.
And some school reunions actually..err..reunite at said school. In our case, having that much sin and debauchery congregating at a catholic school would be almost blasphemis; a trailer park or shopping centre carpark would be much more appropriate.
So I guess the good thing about our school reunions is that I can come home, look at my messy house and my feral kids, yet still feel much, much better about myself...
Posted by: Benita | July 04, 2009 at 12:02 PM
Smiled the whole way through that. Thanks Cath. It's been 15 years since I left High School and after reading that I am in no rush to go to a reunion. Why? I cannot and will not tolerate a 'womoe' as I like to call them. Chicks need to know it is not acceptable at any age.
Posted by: Taryn | July 05, 2009 at 10:08 PM