When Kevin Rudd said he wanted policies that would be inclusive of ‘all Australians’, he was not kidding! And to prove he’s a man of his word, he’s rolled out $900 stimulus payments to 16,000 dead people in an initiative likely to exceed $14,000,000. You can’t get more inclusive than that!
This is a fantastic initiative for surely the most disadvantaged in our community, but the backlash from the opposition, and the media, typifies the sort of treatment our dead have had to endure for far too long. It’s a harsh and stingy attitude towards this progressive new policy, which finally acknowledges the contribution made by, and the rights of, our deceased population. After all, if anyone needs to be stimulated it’s the dead!
Opposition to this brave and just policy is discrimination of the worst kind. And since it discriminates against all dead people, you’d have to say that it was ageist, sexist, and racist. In fact, since this is going to be an issue, let’s just give this a new title: ‘Deadist – To discriminate against an individual on the basis of their ability to be alive’.
Fair go, haters! The dead are the most forgotten group in our community. What with vampires and zombies making a big comeback, you’d have to agree that even the undead get more attention than the dead! The dead have contributed so much to our society before their demise. And they selflessly contribute even more by decreasing the burden on the taxpayer by dying! Why shouldn’t they get a little bonus from time to time, like the rest of us?
It’s not like it’s easy for them, you know. For one thing, they’re dead! Unless, of course, they’re a character on ‘Lost’, and they come back to life every two minutes in some sort of a time - space continuum. Which in itself, would be kind of a drag.
Also, the dead never get to find out WHAT HAPPENS. This would suck. It would be like getting three quarters of the way through a good book, then never getting to find out what happens between Elizabeth Bennett and Colin Firth. Sorry, Mr Darcy. Do they finally get together, or are they destined to make unhappy matches with the likes of Miss Bennett and one of Mr Collins’ brothers? And what of the other big questions? Will we all die when global warming’s at its peak, or will Kim Jong Ill nuke us to kingdom come next week? Will Bert Newton’s toupee, as Celine Dion says, ‘go on and on’?
They also have a very hard time communicating with friends and family, what with mediums being in short supply. Mind you, if you live in the bush, and you’re with Telstra, you’re not much better off!
And then there’s the funeral expenses!’Let's face it – dying’s not cheap, is it? You’ll want a bang up funeral. There’s the top end, velvet-lined coffin you hope your family will be guilted into purchasing, instead of the basic box that looks like it was made by a Year 9 student in woodwork. Then you have to book someone for the gig – MCs and Ministers aren’t cheap you know. And the floral arrangements – a couple of wreaths could gobble up the stimulus payment in it’s entirety – and the purpose of the package, boosting retail sales, would be served right there! Paying the Apra rights to AC/DC to use “Highway To Hell” (the most popular funeral song at the moment), although with the lads living offshore, the stimulus would follow them along with those ‘other’ offshore expats (the other sore point for KRudd critics). Never mind your catering for the wake, especially with all those ‘special needs’ diners needing their gluten fee, dairy free, and nut-free, and all the ‘special needs’ drinkers – who only drink top shelf. And if every Tom, Dick and Harry turns up, you’re $20 pre head goes out the window!
The advantages of the dead person stimulus payments, or the ‘DPSP’ are many. For example, it would mean that people who were ineligible for the package while living, would finally get something, and therefore hopefully stop whingeing! Shut up the lot of you. EVERYONE will get this payment. Eventually. Although euthanasia might become more prevalent, because let’s face it, some people would do anything to get their hands on a payment!
It would also be handy for pensioners who are running a little short of cash till payday, and can’t pay their tab at the RSL. “That’s OK, Les. You can fix me up when you’re dead.”
At the end of the day, if life is a movie, Kevin Rudd is Haley Joel Osment. He ‘sees dead people’, as a population who have rights, and needs. Although you’re no longer legally allowed to vote when you’re dead, (except in the 2000 US Presidential election), this will eventually be a real vote winner. Just as soon as Kevin Rudd gives the dead back the vote.
(This is a little piece I wrote collaboratively with fellow lady comic, Wendy Little. Or as I like to say 'feat' Wendy Little. It just sounds so much cooler... I just love collaborative projects. As long as there are no rugby players involved...)
